Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 1
I have a bout a year to train for my first triathlon. I plan on a sprint size which is a half mile swim, roughly 12 mile bike and a 5k run. I SHOULD be able to train for that in a year - but its not just about the aerobic or endurance training I need, i have a significant amount of weight to lose. However, i am feeling great these days and even though I can't run very far at all now, I am going to start traning for the Tri today instead of waiting until I am at my goal weight. So for today, total body resistance and i am going to run walk on the treadmill for at least 20 minutes and bike for 6 miles. i will let you know how i feel later....
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Incredible Shrinking Man
I have a friend at work who keeps calling me the incredible shrinking man; this week I haven’t felt that way. I have been in a foul mood and a bad mental state. This translates into a bad few days of food choices, the spiral has begun again. I feel horrible. I am sitting back at 315-316, its all retention weight but that isn’t the point. I thought that I had gotten past this mental issue, or was at least GETTING past it and I hit this roadblock. It is very frustrating. At the same time, the support EVERYONE at my work shows me is phenomenal, I feel as if every bad piece of food entering my mouth is letting them down too. And in a way, it is.
The incredible shrinking man, this statement has invigorated me this morning. It’s all about one little word. No. Do I want to eat Taco Fresco? No. Do I want Chopstix? No. Do I want a veggie 6 inch from subway? Yes. How hard is that? Even better, I have bought a metric ton of healthy food from the store, EAT IT.
The second part of my bad mood comes from the fact that I have not given myself any release valve for this pent up energy. I have to get to the gym. I love the way I feel at and after the gym. I am recommitted to it, I can STILL hit 299 by 9/15 if I PUSH hard and that starts today. Eat what I brought for lunch, eat what I bought from the store for dinner, and go to the gym afterwards.
Finally, my third mood prissiness comes not from the diet or exercise but my frustration with my “now, now, now’ attitude. Admittedly, this weight loss journey has made it easier, but I spend too much money, gamble too much money, and want too much right now. I have set up auto savings for 107.00 each payday, that’s 214 each month, how much is in my savings after 3 months? 7.00.
So here is my commitment to myself:
1) Really give it an effort to not eat out at all until 9/15, including subway and healthy taco bell menu – this is to prove I can do it.
2) Get to the gym tonight. Get to the gym tomorrow. Get to the gym Friday….
3) Stop touching my savings. Immediately put back the 100 I moved yesterday and leave it alone. Fix your W-2 and start planning your financial future and ruin. Contact debtors like the tickets, IRS, UHEEA, make plans. Live by my budget.
The incredible shrinking man, this statement has invigorated me this morning. It’s all about one little word. No. Do I want to eat Taco Fresco? No. Do I want Chopstix? No. Do I want a veggie 6 inch from subway? Yes. How hard is that? Even better, I have bought a metric ton of healthy food from the store, EAT IT.
The second part of my bad mood comes from the fact that I have not given myself any release valve for this pent up energy. I have to get to the gym. I love the way I feel at and after the gym. I am recommitted to it, I can STILL hit 299 by 9/15 if I PUSH hard and that starts today. Eat what I brought for lunch, eat what I bought from the store for dinner, and go to the gym afterwards.
Finally, my third mood prissiness comes not from the diet or exercise but my frustration with my “now, now, now’ attitude. Admittedly, this weight loss journey has made it easier, but I spend too much money, gamble too much money, and want too much right now. I have set up auto savings for 107.00 each payday, that’s 214 each month, how much is in my savings after 3 months? 7.00.
So here is my commitment to myself:
1) Really give it an effort to not eat out at all until 9/15, including subway and healthy taco bell menu – this is to prove I can do it.
2) Get to the gym tonight. Get to the gym tomorrow. Get to the gym Friday….
3) Stop touching my savings. Immediately put back the 100 I moved yesterday and leave it alone. Fix your W-2 and start planning your financial future and ruin. Contact debtors like the tickets, IRS, UHEEA, make plans. Live by my budget.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Quotes
"Of those who say nothing, few are silent" - Thomas Neiel
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness" ~Margaret Millar
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness" ~Margaret Millar
Sunday, August 22, 2010
August 22
i have been doing good on my diet, but its time to take it to the next level. Tomorrow morning will be the beginning of phase 2, which should take me to 240 pounds. After tonight, no more 'cheat' nights and i am determined to make it to the gym 4 times each week at least. No more playing around.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
August 18
I have plateaued at 310, but that is a little my fault. i have a hole in y plan called El Taco Fresco. Its so bad for me, but it seems once a week, yum-yum. i have dedicated myself to not eating it for 30 days. So, we will see.
Yesterday I signed up to volunteer at the Rock and Roll Triathlon Marathon / Half-Marathon in Vegas on December 5th, it should be great. 3 days - 2 in the hospitality tent and 1 on the race day. i think volunteering at as many as I can will help me to train, and learn tri's.
I want to write something that I had to think about. My fears about losing weight. Sounds odd eh? But its true, I have been heavy now over half my life, and morbidly obese for the last 5 years. I am afraid of who I will be when I lose the weight. Will that make me happy or will I still see myself as the fat guy? Will i be able to keep the weight off? Am I emotionally ready to be thin, do I think this will solve all my problems?
Absurd questions, but I have been wrapped up in the blanket of security called fat for some time now. I feel I may be kidding myself thinking I will date again. I don't want to always be alone, but I am not defined by my relationships. However, will i find someone to date?
anyway, I have to go back to work now.
Yesterday I signed up to volunteer at the Rock and Roll Triathlon Marathon / Half-Marathon in Vegas on December 5th, it should be great. 3 days - 2 in the hospitality tent and 1 on the race day. i think volunteering at as many as I can will help me to train, and learn tri's.
I want to write something that I had to think about. My fears about losing weight. Sounds odd eh? But its true, I have been heavy now over half my life, and morbidly obese for the last 5 years. I am afraid of who I will be when I lose the weight. Will that make me happy or will I still see myself as the fat guy? Will i be able to keep the weight off? Am I emotionally ready to be thin, do I think this will solve all my problems?
Absurd questions, but I have been wrapped up in the blanket of security called fat for some time now. I feel I may be kidding myself thinking I will date again. I don't want to always be alone, but I am not defined by my relationships. However, will i find someone to date?
anyway, I have to go back to work now.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Aug 13
Happy Friday the 13th beeches! I am 12 pounds away from 300 pounds. i still weigh 1/6.2 of a ton, but i am getting closer to that 1/10th that I want so bad (actually 1/12th, but who is counting?). i always told myself that once I dropped below 300 I would reward myself with a huge Western Bacon Double Cheeseburger, Large Fry and a chocolate shake....wait, no i didn't, sorry, cravings. I told myself I would get a new tattoo. I am thinking the word IMPOSSIBLE low on the back of my neck. Maybe up an arm, I do not know.
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
i am really excited to start training for a triathlon, i am well aware that I am not ready yet, but I am thinking in a year. i hopefully will weigh about 180-190 and have been running and biking. I am trying to volunteer at as many triathlons as I can until then, I figure i can take notes as to what is working what isn't. my poker dealer theory (poker dealers are good at cards becasue they see everything).
OK, i have to quit patting myself on the back, I have work to do. Catch you on the dark side. Snazzbucket!
Monday, August 9, 2010
August 9th
Its hard to say, but I can swallow the bitterness that is the pill of my last 8 years. Marriage and life. I can now say that Melanie leaving has been the greatest improvement in my life. This is not to say i did not at one point love her, but I had become lethargic and apparently while married to her, would not make the change.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
It took her asking me a divorce, grieving, getting angry and the span of a year to get myself right. I still have a long way to go weight wise, mentally and emotionally, but the change is evident. It wasn't the same with Valarie, we married to young, I was too selfish. It has taken some time as an adult to come to grips that I am a selfish being. my weight and nearly all of my emotional problems stem from "How am I going to come out of this?" or "What's in it for me?"
I am down a net 46 pounds (I gained a little this week, cheating - again, the me now theory, and had WAY to much sodium), I should drop like a brick once its out. But it opens my eyes every day I get on the scale to how far I had gone and how much I had given up on myself.
The people around me know I am not done, but instead of being ignored or being thought poorly of like I was in my marital home, I am greeted with words like, you encourage me and keep it up. I cannot tell you what this does for my psyche! I feel amazing. I have not felt this way since before I was married. I felt this way my 29th year. I am regaining it. On an even lighter note, two people who I work with each this week thought my age was 27 or 28, they had no idea I was a full decade ahead of that. Its an awesome feeling that I want to share.
You too can do it, not alone, but it is possible. It really is a one day at a time process. there are a couple of things that I had to do to start making it work:
1) buy a scale. Weigh yourself daily - treat yourself like a machine, you need to know when the machine is failing. A daily weigh in lets you face the reality, reward your success and tweak your habits.
2) Do SOMETHING - 4 months ago, i couldn't do 10 minutes on a treadmill for a stress test, I was riding around the store in a cart. I hurt to move, every 20 steps it was like having a heart attack. What i did to start was just getting out of the cart at the store. then I would go do my own errands instead of sending the boys, soon I was able to walk around the store without breathing funny and hurting to bad, now I am in the gym.
3) Face your fears. It is scary to weigh a lot. It is terrifying that we have wrapped ourselves up and we feel secure behind the facade of our weight. But that is what it is, a facade. Its fake, it hurts to let go, but it is worth it. I feel terrific at 315, imagine 300, 250 and even my goal of 180.
4) Stay off the fads. Just eat fish, chicken, turkey, a little lean red meat and load up on veggies. Know a portion, and use smaller plates. Fad diets only work in the short term, I am on a life journey, not a diet - its about making good choices from this second on. Eat lots of fruit! It is so much better than ice cream.
5) tell someone. this will help your accountability, and maybe you will motivate someone too, that is worth more than any pound i have lost to hear my coworker say, you inspire me. Now if I can get my mother that message.
6) Have a goal. I want to date again, I want to climb, etc. I am not comfortable dating yet, but know that in a few months of hard work, I will and in a little over a year, I will be back in the scene and climbing again.
This is simple, make good choices, forgive yourself. But sometimes you do need outside help and I encourage you to get it, that is my next step. I have some emotional and mental items that confound me I want to solve, solve-not think about.
Anyway, enough self help for now. In closing, Melanie, thank you. It took you throwing away the last 8 years, breaking my heart and ruining me to hit rock bottom. For that, I thank you.
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